I knew it was going to be a "trying" (also substitute with sh*%ty, crappy or worst ever) night when I walked into the kitchen, encountered chef and he said, "Tonight will be another disaster, yes Jacques-leen?" Fantastic. Way to set us up for success.
It was another disaster, partly because we had him breathing down our necks the whole night telling us how much of a disaster we were. No matter how skilled or thick-skinned someone is, you cannot possibly operate to your full potential when you have a person dwelling on, yet not helping you correct, the mistakes you are making. I'm by no means all-knowing, but I just want to point out a few facts of which I keep reminding myself:
-All 23 of us are students.
-Students attend school to learn.
-A student makes a point to learn because he/she is not an expert on the subject.
I mean, I could always be wrong about these things. Apparently I "can't do anything right," so…
We had decided to make a potato gnocchi with a ricotta tomato sauce for our vegetarian special, so we got started on the gnocchi, boiling the potatoes, mixing in the flour and eggs and rolling them out into their shapes. Chef asked that we have everything ready for a demo at 7:45pm, so we laid everything out in anticipation of his arrival, even though we knew he'd find something insufficient. He mused that we might not have enough tomato sauce, and I simply commented that I saw four quarts of sauce in the walk-in refrigerator at the beginning of the night, should we find ourselves in a situation without enough sauce.
"Jacques-leen, that sauce is made with bacon fat. It's used for the cod dish, you should know that already. Five points off for not knowing your recipes."
"Oh, Chef, I know that but they weren't label…."
"Ten points off for talking back."
I thought he was kidding at first, but no smile cracked his face and the hostility radiating from his posture was enough to stop me in my path. I couldn't quite imagine what I had done wrong, or have done wrong at all for that matter, to deserve such a response. I consider myself to be incredibly respectful, and have even taken the blame for something I didn't do in a previous job because I'd rather that than to talk back to someone in a place of authority. The unfairness of it all is becoming almost too hard to bear. Good news: two more classes in Entremetier, then I move on to Garde Manger with a different chef in a different kitchen.
At the end of the night, chef was doing his final review of the kitchen before he released us. He called to one of my teammates, "Since you screwed up so much tonight, you can scrub the refrigerators." I felt a mix of emotions: embarrassment for my friend, anger for the way we are treated and relief that he wasn't talking to me. I found out later that my teammate approached chef after class, confronting him for his unfair and embarrassing comment and asking him if he has a personal problem with our group. Chef apologized (half-heartedly), but it was a small victory and gave us hope that perhaps we're not as bad as he thinks we are.
Sometimes it's easy to hold a grudge against someone (or a group of people) and automatically continue to use them to take out your aggression and anger; it's also easy to not strive to have any patience, especially when you're in a position of authority. But it's much harder to self-reflect, give the benefit of the doubt and exercise a little understanding, and it often takes continued attention and caring, effort most people are not willing to make. It's unfortunate, because there are so many people out in the world who'd rather tear someone down than help build them up. I can't imagine how one would prefer to act like that than simply show a little positive encouragement.
I spent the weekend catching up on sleep, hanging out with friends and enjoying my favorite beer, homemade macaroni and cheese and the joys of a rainy Sunday. It takes a lot to rebound from such a demeaning environment, but I'm lucky to have the best support system in the world.
Three songs that always cheer me up after a bad day; I hope they have the same effect for you:
Oh my gosh...you are cracking me up! Hang in there Sweetie!!
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